Rob's Zone - Jokes

Rob's Joke Page

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Welcome to my joke page. They're not all that great, and a little dated, but here goes anyway. Beware of my fake floating pointer - it should be randomly floating around this page now!

An Eskimo was tapping on some ice looking for some fish when a voice said; “You won’t find any fish under there!” The Eskimo just ignored it and carried on tapping. Again, the voice echoed saying “You won’t find any fish under there!” The Eskimo shouted up “Who are you... God?” and the voice replied, “No, the ice-rink manager!”

A Bald man goes into a tattoo shop. He sits down and asks the tattooist to put a tattoo of a rabbit on his head. The tattooist asks, "A rabbit, why?" and the bald man replies, "Well, from a distance someone might mistake it for a hare!"

There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day they notice a sapling half-way between them.
One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
"A son of a BEECH!"
"A son of a BIRCH!"
"Son of a beech!"
"Son of a birch!" The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
"You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash I've had my 'pecker in for a long time!"

Two blokes were seen in Prospect park, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. The police arrested them, charged one, and let the other off!

What is Russian for Goodbye?
Mos Go!

Where do Spiders play football?
Webly!

The Government announced today that they were going to take a hard line on shark fishing.

Why did the hedgehog follow another hedgehog across the road?
To show that he had guts!

Why I can't go out with you: I'd LOVE to, but...

I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I have to fulfil my potential.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have to bleach my hare.
I left my body in my other clothes.

Bus Jokes

(OK I'll admit it now, most of these were taken from another website and altered slightly, sorry)

Did you hear about the magic bus?
- It went along the road, then turned into a side street.

Why did children in ancient Egypt not go to school by bus?
- Because their mummies wouldn't let them!

Reading Buses Customer: "Can I have a return ticket please?"
Polite Reading Buses Driver: "Where to please?"
Reading Buses Customer: "Back here of course, you fool."

A bus conductor in the United States was sentenced to the electric chair as he kept kicking his passengers off his bus. When the prison governor flicked the switch, nothing happened, and after trying this many times, still nothing happened, and he survived, and was eventually released. Later, a journalist asked him if he knew what had stopped him from being electrocuted. "Oh that's simple." he replied. "I've always been a bad conductor!"

A woman dressed in a smart magenta and pink outfit boarded a First BeeLine bus. The light-hearted driver commented: "You look just like one of our smart new low floor buses!" "Maybe so" replied the woman, "but you won't get on and off me for thirty pence."

A tourist sitting beside a Readingensian on a Reading Bus asked the local if they could let them know the correct stop for the Oracle Shopping Centre. "Certainly" replied the Readingensian, "just watch where I get off and come off two stops before me."

Reading Transport was advertising recently for new drivers and prospective candidates were asked to turn up at Great Knollys Street Depot at 10:00a.m. and every 15 minutes. However, the Traffic Manager was most unhappy when none of the applicants arrived at 10.00 a.m., then three came together at 10.45 a.m.

"Does this bus go to Royal Berks?" asked one Reading Buses Customer "Only when its not feeling well." came the reply.

"Does this bus go to Reading University." asked a Reading Buses Customer. "No sir it not clever enough," was the answer.

A customer who was slightly late in rising from her seat said to the driver, "I wanted that stop." As he had not yet done his customer care training he replied " I'm sorry madam, the company don't sell them"

A stunt man driving a double deck bus attempted to set a new world record by jumping over 24 motorcycles. He would have succeeded, but someone rang the bell.

Idiots!

Norman and Les were flying from Dublin to Heathrow. The pilot came on the speakers and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen I’m afraid that we have lost one of our engines and the flight will now be delayed by 10 minutes. Thankyou.” After a few minutes the pilot came on again, “Ladies and Gentlemen I’m afraid to say that we have lost another of our engines. Because of this the plane will now arrive 30 minutes late.” After another 10 minutes, the pilot came on the speaker for a third time. “Ladies and Gentlemen we have lost the third of our engines and our arrival is now going to be 1 hour later than expected.” Norman turned around and said to Les “It’ll take forever if the next one goes!”

John wants to travel between Dublin and London, so he rings the help desk at Dublin Airport. He asks the girl on the phone "How long does it take to fly between Dublin & London?" The girl says
"Just a minute sir", John says
"Thank you very much" and puts the phone down!

Two farmers went to an auction to buy some more pigs for their farm. They both bought themselves a pig each. Only the first farmer had a truck to take them home on, and so offered to give the other farmer and his pig a lift. The second farmer asked “How shall we know whose pig is whose?” and the first farmer replied, “Oh, well, um, er… I know, I could use my penknife and cut off the leg from my pig.”
“All right!” replied the second farmer, so this is what they did. Then the pigs got into a fight and the second one bit off the first pig’s leg.
The first farmer said, “I’ll just cut off another leg then with my knife.” Then the pigs got into another fight and the first pig bit off the second pig’s second leg.
The farmer then decided to cut off the other two legs, and sure enough, the pigs got into another fight and the first pig bit off the other pig’s last two legs.
The second farmer suggested then that he should cut off the tail of his pig. The first farmer did this but the pigs got into another fight and the second pig bit off the second pig’s tail.
The first farmer said, “I know, lets say that my pig is the brown one, and your pig is the pink one, and try to keep them apart!”

An idiot was walking along the road, when he saw a sign in a shop window; “Trousers £2, Shirts £1”. He thought to himself, I could make some cash out of this on the market on the market, so he walked in and asked for ten pairs of trousers. The person at the desk said, “We’re not selling these, this is a dry cleaners!”

Two idiot men were playing snooker, after about an hour neither of them had potted a ball. One of them then suggested "How about we take the triangle off now?"

Christmas Cracker Jokes